2023: Reflections and the year ahead

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves. 

Wild Geese, Mary Oliver

It’s 7am on Boxing Day. I can hear birds chattering furiously outside my window. The washing machine is on its spin cycle downstairs and the eldest of my small children has just bounded down the steps without my customary hug and hello, eager to play on the new computer game he received yesterday. 

I’m reflecting on 2023.

After a 21 year relationship and several years of separation, 2023 started off with notice of both my divorce papers coming through and of winning the inaugural Ross Todd award for Outstanding Research Project based on my teaching of information literacy using coaching skills. That, combined with school turmoil for my eldest and asthma-attack related visits to the hospital for my youngest, left me in a somewhat mixed emotional state.

Self-compassion and connection were my guiding words for 2023. For the last few years, I have chosen a word to guide me. Previously, they have included words such as energy, love, fun, and dignity. Last year I chose the two. Reader, to loosely quote Brené Brown - I did the best I could with the tools I had.

I struggled (and still struggle) with both of those concepts. I am independent, self-sufficient-ish and, because I spend so much time helping and advising others as part of my job role, I can become ‘peopled out’ and forget to connect with others more generally. I can also be quite hard on myself. Checking in with those words throughout the year reminded me to be kinder to myself, and to send emails asking people to meet. I even tried a friends meet-up app (with dubious results but I haven't given up yet - I don't know how people cope with dating apps!). 

I gained new tools by going to therapy. This helped to some extent but what helped more was talking to colleagues whom I also consider friends. They’ve lifted me up over this last year and for that I am truly grateful. Inspired by journalist, Poorna Bell, and a colleague, I also took myself out intentionally when I had the opportunity. It was an odd experience but one I am keen to do more of.

My general aims and plans for 2023 were:

• to have lots of fun with my two little ones - this I did. We went to the woods, to the beach, to nature trails, museum trails, theatre, cinema, Go Ape, I learned to play Mario Kart - badly. I also joined the gym as it has kids and family clubs which has been enjoyable, and given me much needed headspace

Magical creatures in the woods

Playing by the sea

• focus on my PhD - this I did. I passed my review with 30,000 words written and lots of positive comments as well as helpful advice. I had a day out at the British Library which I enjoyed
• blend my professional interests - this I have been working on. I was accepted to present at three conferences. Two I could do as they were online and one I had to withdraw, due to childcare reasons. My presentations focussed on coaching and compassion in higher education. As a result of these talks I was invited to lead a LTHE Twitter/X chat on compassion in universities and I am increasingly being asked to deliver teaching sessions related to coaching, mentoring, compassion and mindfulness. I remain a primary school wellbeing governor and have recently participated in conversations on academic identities, uplifting those of working class origins, and compassion in higher education so I look forward to seeing where they go.

For 2024? 

I won’t be bounding into the new year. I’m giving myself permission to step slowly, purposefully and with intention. There are no grand ambitions. I’ll be supporting my children with what has been a rough few years for them. I’ll be walking in woods, by rivers and visiting the sea. I’ll be clearing weeds and smelling roses. I will not be applying to present anywhere this year and will instead be focussing on writing. 

With regards my PhD, I am already revisiting old favourites in the form of Freire, Fromm and hooks for my research philosophy. They write of the different types of love, of being rather than having, and remind me that love is a verb. Love and compassion are needed at all levels of the education sector. Dr Jenny Lawrence writes eloquently on this topic

The message from my tea was clear!

And so I am choosing love again for my word. Not in the romantic sense, but in how it shows up in the actions we take - in friendships, in work, in our environment, in family and in self-care. I’ve spent the last few years trying to figure things out and I’ve been called ‘a superwoman’ numerous times for the amount of plates I’m spinning. While this is given as a complement, I don’t want the title. It’s exhausting and full of pressure. Instead, as Mary Oliver suggests, I am going to let the ‘soft animal of my body, love what it loves’. 

What about you? Do you have goals or themes for 2024? Are you proud of how 2023 turned out or relieved and grateful you are still here to tell your story? What are you giving yourself permission to do?

One year into the PhD - the journey so far

 A year ago, almost to the day, I started my part-time PhD. I can’t believe that time has disappeared already and that is more than a little scary.

I’m writing this post firstly to help me keep track of where I am, secondly to be able to look back on this one day when I have my doctoral robes (sadly no sword for us in the UK – very envious of Finland!), and thirdly, because I would have liked to have read a post from someone in a similar position and I haven’t found much. Hopefully this will help someone in the future. For context, I work full-time, am a single mum to two little ones, am a primary school governor, and due to a variety of reasons I don’t get much in the way of practical support.

Doing a PhD had been on my radar for about eight years, although I hadn’t pinpointed an actual topic or idea how I could actually fit it in. In 2021, I recognised that I couldn’t wait anymore, that there was never going to be a perfect time, and that I needed to move forward with my life -  so I started the conversations and started putting together a research proposal. In early 2022, I was interviewed for the place and was accepted. And it’s been quite the year since.

Due to working mainly with people either with or on their way to obtaining their PhDs, I was under no illusion of the stress and challenges – my Twitter feed is full of it. However, my plan of working everyday 8-10pm did not work as I would regularly fall asleep and my brain was in no place to think. I hadn’t banked on that as I have managed to lead programmes (including the department during the first year of Covid lockdowns); complete a 500-hour yoga teacher training course; deliver national and international conference sessions; and write – all while on little sleep and a slightly fuzzy head. It turns out I can’t do a PhD like that.

More recently, I have managed to find some ways of working that suited me, found some helpful podcasts/Youtube videos and been introduced to some supportive online communities. I did go through a sticky patch at the latter end of last year due to some significant school challenges and some complications in the divorce process, which corresponded with seemingly never-ending children’s sickness bugs – to the extent that abeyance was mentioned.

Since then radical acceptance, prioritisation and organisation has been key.

Snowdrops: they seem delicate but can withstand challenging environments - I'm sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere :)

What has been challenging?

Finding thinking and writing time: This is the most crucial for me. I now get up quite early in the morning and after the cat is fed and I have done some gentle yoga, I spend time on the PhD. Previously I had let it go weeks as I felt I needed large chunks of time. While that would be lovely, I need to work with what I have. I aim to touch the PhD every day and usually write 200/250 words a day. It’s not much but it all adds up.

Balancing all the things: Most self-help gurus will say focus on one thing and do it well. However, when you have responsibilities and mouths to feed this isn’t always practical. My yoga teaching and coaching are on hold; however, I do the occasional voluntary session at work to keep my skills fresh and I incorporate the principles of both into my teaching. I could potentially give up the governor position; however, after seeking advice from someone I respect, I have now clarified my role. As a result, I have added value (the school now have three core values rather than substantially more) and I appreciate the friendship and support they have provided.

Isolation: My work is very people-focussed and facing so I don’t feel like I am missing out in terms of contact with others. If anything, I can find it tiring. Although rather disturbingly, during the lockdowns, I realised that quarantine had become my usual lifestyle. However, there’s something to be said for being with people who understand and truly see you and this is why the word ‘connection’ has become a bit of a theme this year.

What has made life easier?

 My supervisors: They are amazing, lovely and kind. They know I can be hard on myself so they are clear and gentle with their criticism. I need them to not sugarcoat but also not be brutal and they do this well.

Changing my environment: I work on my day job between campus and home and when at home I migrate between the table, a desk in my bedroom or the settee.  At the moment, every two to three months, I do get a day or two to myself in which I study and I find working elsewhere useful. So far, I have used postgraduate research rooms, the public  library and have ventured to the British Library. If I combine it with a parkrun or some yoga, it can feel like a retreat. (I was recently going to apply for a single mum’s writing retreat but after they received approx. 700 applications I decided not to – there’s clearly a need for it!)

Friendship: Several individuals have cheered me on and made me both laugh and reflect through the last year.  They are all wonderful human beings and I appreciate every one of them.

Going forwards, I really need to crack on with my literature review but, in the meantime,  I am sat next to my youngest who has spent the last few days vomiting. As I said, radical acceptance is key!

I’d love to hear your experiences. Feel free to share them in the comments.

2022: Reflections and the year ahead

 

"The stars began to burn

Through the sheets of clouds

And there was a new voice

Which you slowly recognised as your own"

                                                            The Journey, Mary Oliver

Another year and another Mary Oliver quotation from me. This one is from The Journey and I think it is my favourite.

I have been wondering on and off whether to share an end of year post this time round. It has been a significant year for transitions and tribulations and they are far from over. 

Like the previous year, 2022 didn't get off to a great start. The kids and I had Covid at the same time as I had some of my big online teaching sessions. Hospital trips followed as it affected my youngest’s asthma. On reflection, I should have postponed my teaching but at the time the thought of rearranging everything felt worse than pushing through.

Fortunately; dear reader, it started to pick up...

One of my intentions last year was to have lots of fun trips and adventures with my little ones. We definitely achieved this in 2022. We  went to adventure parks, a local festival, Go Ape challenges (I still haven’t mastered the best way to go down a zip wire!), a circus, the Legoland hotel for my son’s birthday (expensive but amazing), National Trust places, lots of parks and woods, plus we went to Centerparcs for the first time for my big birthday. I also drove (5 hours!) to see my parents in Morecambe. While I can’t afford to repeat this in quite the same way next year, I want to continue getting out and about to share joyful experiences with them.

Getting outdoors

Lego room

I had my research proposal accepted in April which was both exciting and scary. I am enjoying the process enormously and learning so much but, as expected when I signed up, progress is slow. This is something I need to get used to given the other demands on my time and energy.

Workwise, I took a step back from speaking at conferences and events to focus on the newly accredited programmes and pathways to Advance HE status as well as my PhD. Other than Springboard, which I’ve done for a few years now, I chose not to speak at anything in 2022. I was happy to put this aside as I had spoken at many events in the previous few years. I now intend to start this up again going forwards and will present again but only on areas directly related to my work or my research.

In May, I received my 500-hour Yoga Alliance International certificate which felt like a great achievement after everything that’s happened over the last few years. Since then I’ve been teaching yoga nidra at work and incorporating the philosophy and asana into my teaching. I also had a coaching article published this year too which I enjoyed writing. I’m looking forward to finding out how I can start to blend my coaching work with yoga, reflection and academic professional development.

I still write for The Academic Woman and I continue to be a wellbeing primary school governor. I find these positions rewarding and will remain in them so long as I can add value. 

Aims and plans for 2023:

For 2022, I chose the word dignity as my word of the year. It was a useful check-in throughout the months, and it can be easy to lose when there are challenging situations. I may have been spotted a tad tearful in the vicinity more than once but, in general, it was a good anchor.

This year I have chosen two – self-compassion and connection. The first is because too many people have recently told me I need to be kind to myself. I am listening! The second is because I spent some of 2022 re-establishing connections with people and it has been really lovely. This is something I want to increase and maintain.

My general aims and plans for 2023 then are:

• to have lots of fun with my two little ones
• focus on my PhD
• blend my professional interests
• consider the steps I need to take to get to Reader. (At one point, I wouldn’t have considered this but several people recently have told me they would support me if I did - so, I can but have a look)

Last year, I wrote I would go gently into the new year armed with compassion and friendship. As there are more changes (both positive and negative) on the horizon at work, some significant schooling challenges coming my way, and a literature review to write, this approach is more necessary than ever. 

I am hopeful. And when I am not, I will reread The Journey.  

I would love to know what your plans, goals and hopes are for 2023.