2023: Reflections and the year ahead

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves. 

Wild Geese, Mary Oliver

It’s 7am on Boxing Day. I can hear birds chattering furiously outside my window. The washing machine is on its spin cycle downstairs and the eldest of my small children has just bounded down the steps without my customary hug and hello, eager to play on the new computer game he received yesterday. 

I’m reflecting on 2023.

After a 21 year relationship and several years of separation, 2023 started off with notice of both my divorce papers coming through and of winning the inaugural Ross Todd award for Outstanding Research Project based on my teaching of information literacy using coaching skills. That, combined with school turmoil for my eldest and asthma-attack related visits to the hospital for my youngest, left me in a somewhat mixed emotional state.

Self-compassion and connection were my guiding words for 2023. For the last few years, I have chosen a word to guide me. Previously, they have included words such as energy, love, fun, and dignity. Last year I chose the two. Reader, to loosely quote Brené Brown - I did the best I could with the tools I had.

I struggled (and still struggle) with both of those concepts. I am independent, self-sufficient-ish and, because I spend so much time helping and advising others as part of my job role, I can become ‘peopled out’ and forget to connect with others more generally. I can also be quite hard on myself. Checking in with those words throughout the year reminded me to be kinder to myself, and to send emails asking people to meet. I even tried a friends meet-up app (with dubious results but I haven't given up yet - I don't know how people cope with dating apps!). 

I gained new tools by going to therapy. This helped to some extent but what helped more was talking to colleagues whom I also consider friends. They’ve lifted me up over this last year and for that I am truly grateful. Inspired by journalist, Poorna Bell, and a colleague, I also took myself out intentionally when I had the opportunity. It was an odd experience but one I am keen to do more of.

My general aims and plans for 2023 were:

• to have lots of fun with my two little ones - this I did. We went to the woods, to the beach, to nature trails, museum trails, theatre, cinema, Go Ape, I learned to play Mario Kart - badly. I also joined the gym as it has kids and family clubs which has been enjoyable, and given me much needed headspace

Magical creatures in the woods

Playing by the sea

• focus on my PhD - this I did. I passed my review with 30,000 words written and lots of positive comments as well as helpful advice. I had a day out at the British Library which I enjoyed
• blend my professional interests - this I have been working on. I was accepted to present at three conferences. Two I could do as they were online and one I had to withdraw, due to childcare reasons. My presentations focussed on coaching and compassion in higher education. As a result of these talks I was invited to lead a LTHE Twitter/X chat on compassion in universities and I am increasingly being asked to deliver teaching sessions related to coaching, mentoring, compassion and mindfulness. I remain a primary school wellbeing governor and have recently participated in conversations on academic identities, uplifting those of working class origins, and compassion in higher education so I look forward to seeing where they go.

For 2024? 

I won’t be bounding into the new year. I’m giving myself permission to step slowly, purposefully and with intention. There are no grand ambitions. I’ll be supporting my children with what has been a rough few years for them. I’ll be walking in woods, by rivers and visiting the sea. I’ll be clearing weeds and smelling roses. I will not be applying to present anywhere this year and will instead be focussing on writing. 

With regards my PhD, I am already revisiting old favourites in the form of Freire, Fromm and hooks for my research philosophy. They write of the different types of love, of being rather than having, and remind me that love is a verb. Love and compassion are needed at all levels of the education sector. Dr Jenny Lawrence writes eloquently on this topic

The message from my tea was clear!

And so I am choosing love again for my word. Not in the romantic sense, but in how it shows up in the actions we take - in friendships, in work, in our environment, in family and in self-care. I’ve spent the last few years trying to figure things out and I’ve been called ‘a superwoman’ numerous times for the amount of plates I’m spinning. While this is given as a complement, I don’t want the title. It’s exhausting and full of pressure. Instead, as Mary Oliver suggests, I am going to let the ‘soft animal of my body, love what it loves’. 

What about you? Do you have goals or themes for 2024? Are you proud of how 2023 turned out or relieved and grateful you are still here to tell your story? What are you giving yourself permission to do?